wow, i'm sucktacular at updating this month, aren't i?
i've been busy with work, and then when i wasn't busy with work, i was too focused on writing. and when i wasn't working or writing, i was reading like a mad demon trying to soak in some inspiration/rejuvenate my creativity. And only a few really blogworthy things occurred.
1. I caught Produce Guy staring at me three times last monday. Considering that whenever he's in my sight, i'm practically staring at him, i know that on a normal day, i barely get anything more than a glance, and one "hello, how are you?" when i come back from lunch. thats it. No stares. Therefore, you can trust me when i tell you, he was staring. three times. three different times. They were not in quick succession. They were scattered throughout the day. And i caught him three different times. The first time it really took the breath out of me. I looked up, knowing he was close, and... well... i was going to stare at him myself, but when i looked up, his back was not to me as it should've been, he was twisted around, and his eyes were on me. And it startled me and i almost looked away, but i held his gaze for a second, smiled, and then looked down. I didn't really register if he smiled back or not because i was too busy trying to stop my brain from spinning around in my head like a globe. The second and third times were similar, and each time, i held his gaze, smiled, and then looked away. I haven't worked with him for longer than what seems like a second since then to see if it was just a fluke. My head is telling me this is a fluke. My heart is desperate for this to not be a fluke. this would be some awful timing if it's a fluke.
2. I just came back from Kansas/Missouri. Alias Best Friend got married to the guy who i, kind of, sort of, innocently, blame for stealing her away from me. Something in me knew that this was going to be a terrible trip. the bad feeling started when i accepted Old Best Friend's offer to drive down and bunk with her. She brought along Birthday Friend, whom i know i've only mentioned once ever, but she's more her friend than mine, but we get along famously, and probably should be closer friends than we really are. In fact, several times during this trip, i wondered why we never were closer friends, because she's kinda awesome to talk to. Not the point. The point being, Old Best Friend brought someone who is more her friend and less my friend, and the three of us were driving down together, and bunking together. Whenever it's just Old Best Friend and I, we're kind of awesome. Whenever it's Old Best Friend and I and someone else... i end up being the third wheel, almost everytime. It's probably my own fault. I voluntarily back off. Anyway, this time, it was actually kind of fun because Birthday Friend really is more of Old Best Friend's friend than mine, and i wouldn't get jealous when they wanted their picture taken every five seconds, while i got barely any pictures in, or when they'd start talking about things that didn't include me (i pulled out my book during those convos, which i'm sure thrilled them, but oh well).
When we started our adventure, we decided to, you know, drive towards the hotel in St. Joseph, MO. Sounds like a smart plan, right? Well, check in time is at 3pm, and it was noon, and the wedding started at 1:30pm. The clerk was like, "you guys should probably get going if your going to the wedding." We were confused. "Oh yeah, it's like an hour and a half drive." Wha? We showed her the directions. "Mmhmm. Yep. It's aways away."
Oh. Well, we ought to get dressed then. So we dive into the trunk fo the car, pull out the bare essentials that we needed... dress, shoes, minimal makeup... and get dressed in a bathroom near the lobby. We get back in the car, and start to drive. My GPS doesn't even recognize the town that the church is located at. St. Benedict. WTF? I try again. Nope. My GPS doesn't like St. Benedict. Likes Benedict, but i'm 99% positive it's not the same Benedict. Fuck. So we check the big atlas i brought with us. Nope. No St. Benedict in the back where they list the lat. and long. of every city/town/whatever. Shit! We try the directions Alias Best Friend gave us. They are beyond vague. Son of a monkey on sticks! So Birthday Friend calls her dad to get mapquest instructions. We're pulled over at an exit at the time, and had been there for like five ten minutes. Five-ten precious minutes, mind you. Finally we kinda figure it out. Then about two minutes after we get on the road, i find it on the big atlas... and OMG, you've got to be joking me, we've got a long ass way to go. SIXTY FOUR MILES (!!!) in. fact. "Who has their reception (which is at our hotel) sixty four miles away from their church!!??" Birthday Friend would ask. I just said "pleasepleasepleaseplease, God, if ever we needed a miracle, it would be now."
We were NOT going to make it on time. Not a shot in HELL were we going to get there on time. We had T-45min until we had to be there, and we were like, an hour and 15 minutes away. We needed a miracle. Old Best Friend was speeding like a devil, passing any car we crawled up on, and keeping our eyes peeled for any cop cars. We finally think, maybe, just maybe, we could get there right at 1:30pm. Maybe. That's when we hit a hold-up. There were like 10 cars idling on this highway, with a patrolman bending over and talking to the first car. FUCK!! I was ready to strangle someone, but i tried to supress my rising temper, and thought to myself, "What would Alias Best Friend think in this situation?" Pray. She'd pray. So, i prayed. I think more accurately i begged. We begged. What seemed like eternity passed, but was probably more like five precious, precious, minutes pass, and we finally start rolling again. We're pretty much predicting the worst. Old Best Friend starts driving 90 mph when she gets the chance too, which is a while after that roadblock due to the multitude of slow driving cars in front of us. Nonetheless, there comes a point when they dispurse, or we pass them, and she starts speeding and driving 90mph. We're despereate to get to this wedding. That's when a cop with lights ablaze zooms past us. We're flipping out. (Is he coming back for us? what's he doing? Oh please dont let him come back for us!) We see that he's preoccupied, and continues going the way we left. Not coming back for us. Phew. Things start seeming to go our way slightly. We drive through Seneca, KS, and find the microscopic highway that leads only to the middle-of-nowhere town that is St. Benedict. We start jumping for joy when we see the steeple. We pray like mad we can get in, or that they're late, or anything.
The doors were open, (yay), so we're rushing to get in, only the other two are freaking out. They dont want to cause a scene. I'm pretty much determined to see this wedding, so i'm not really in a mood to care about disturbing so much as i am desperate to find a pew and sit down in it. We manage to sneak in practically undetected, and, sidenote: thank you Jesus! (end of sidenote), we only missed them walking down the aisle. Thats it. that's all we missed. We're unbelievably lucky, or as Alias Best Friend would say, "luck has nothing to do with it. That was all Jesus." I concur. I wholeheartedly agree.
We drive back, and i nearly fall asleep because i'm reading and cars have always had a way of lulling me to sleep. We get back, freshen up because we have the time to actually look good now (although none of us did much of anything other than retouch our makeup and spritz on some perfume), and then we got downstairs to the reception, and they're already serving food, and i'm starving. I had no breakfast that morning as i had no time, and the other two were keen on the idea of McDonalds for lunch as there was nothing other than Subway to eat. I wanted Subway. Old Best Friend didn't want Subway in her car. The idea of eating McDonalds makes me nauseous. I pass on food, and i was fine up until the moment i learned that they were already serving food at the reception. Then it hit me. I could eat everything on that buffet table. and, shockingly, i LOVE everything they are serving. Thankyouthankyouthankyou! i hate reception food normally because they serve things like casseroles, and, and... i dont know, things that look anything other than appetizing. Here they had delicious salad which was made from another kind of lettuce other than iceberg (i'm SICK of iceberg lettuce), and they had corn, and fruit, and this absolutely amazing beef stuff that practically melted in my mouth, and i was desperate for more, but i stopped myself. i was hungry, but i need to start knowing my limits, and i knew seconds would not only look bad, but would put me at "full", and i need to learn to stop before hitting "full." Then was as good of a time as any to stop.
then we waited for what seemed like a million years for the bridal party. We took pictures of each other the whole time. and i dont just mean during the wait, i mean, like, during the whole reception. it was picture mania. Once the party got started though, we danced like maniacs once we were able to. It was fun, but the whole time, all i wanted was for Alias Best Friend to shuffle down to our table and be so anxious to introduce her husband to all of us. None of us has met him except for Twin Friend (i know i've barely ever mentioned her either, and theres a whole other story about her and Old Best Friend that i know i've written about and could totally delve into, but its beside the point and best saved for another day), and seeings how i was her best friend at one point, and she did truely care about me and my opinion on things, i hoped she'd still respect that enough to want to have me meet him. We grew apart because of distance, but our feelings for each other remained... right?
This is when i stopped being fun, and i'm positive Old Best Friend could see it, or got a hint of it anyway. They showed a slideshow and one section said "Family and Friends." And i knew... i knew i wasn't going to be in there. We haven't had many pictures taken of us together, if any. My heart sank to a low i didn't know it could go. I mean, regarding our relationship, i'm sure you've noticed how everytime i bring her up i'm pretty much a sad sack. a basketcase even. Everytime i think to myself, why isn't our relationship better? What could I have done to keep this relationship better?
Thats when it really hit me, towards the end of the night, Alias Best Friend and I hugged twice, and had two brief "you look beautiful!" "oh thank you!" passings, but she never came over to talk to us. Never. This is when it hit me that the woman i thought was perhaps one of the best people i've ever met in my entire life, is a worse friend than i am. I am a better friend to Alias Best Friend, than she ever was to me. She should've never said that she considered me a best friend. I'm almost positive she never did. I did. She could talk to me, yes, but it never extended beyond that. She didn't call me ever. I dont think she's ever called me once. I've tried like hell to call her millions of times, only to get an answering machine, and no call back. I wouldn't try to push it, because i didn't want to push her away by constantly calling her, and pestering her. In the end, she was the one who drifted away from me, and it was her own fault. It wasn't mine. I did everything i could've done. It was not me. It was her. Our friendship was ruined because of her, and not me. Her. I wanted to cry. I almost did cry but i held it back because i was still with Old Best Friend, Twin Friend and Birthday Friend. They'd ask me questions i didn't want to answer. I wanted to be alone, but the sad fact is, i'd want to be alone, only to have Alias Best Friend come find me and tell me i'm overreacting, and try to comfort me, but that would never happen, because I've been right this whole entire time. She does not need me as much as i need her. I've always needed her more than she needed me, and that is the most hurtful thing ever. it's gutting. This is what i was going through my head during the last part of the reception. The only thing that made me feel better was dancing. Twin Friend and I danced like hellions. It was the only time i didn't have to think about Alias Best Friend, and all i had to think about was the joy of dancing.
Want to know what also hurt? She had one college friend of hers as a bridesmaid. I'm her supposed best friend, and a college friend of her's is a bridesmaid. I cant lie and say i didn't see it coming. I feared it from the beginning, but i prayed only siblings would be bridesmaids so i wont feel so bad. No. There was a college friend too. My heart sank lower.
You want to know what the worst thing was? The dancing ceased. The DJ called it a night, and the lights went back on, and Twin Friend left. Old Best Friend and Birthday Friend were about to go back upstairs, and i was festering in anger that she didn't come over to our table like she said she would, and i was mad that i'd have to do it myself, just like every other thing in our relationship. i'd have to be the one who messaged her on facebook. i was the one who called her. i was the one who initiated everything. So, i went over to their candy bar (they had a table set aside with an assortment of candies ranging from tootsie rolls to gummy bears, to m&ms.), and i stocked up on the dove milk chocolates, stuck them in my purse, and i walked up to Alias Best Friend while she was in the middle of talking to her husband, and i was determined to get one conversation out of her. I strolled up, tapped her ont he shoulder. She turned and hugged me, and i asked her how she was doing, and she said good, and then she someone else came up beside her, and stole her attention away from me. I was hurt, but like always, i didn't let it show.
Her husband introduced himself to me though. He knew who i was, though he let me introduce myself to him. "I've heard a lot about you." I was thrown by that, after what just happened a millisecond before. I was visibly thrown off too. "Oh, really?" I said, but then i quickly turned it around and lied that i'd heard a lot about him. I hadn't heard anymore than what i could pry out of her. Thats probably not true and unfair of me to say, but there were times when she could've just spilled her guts out, and she didn't. most things i knew about him were from what i asked her, not from her voluntarily telling me. "Anything you've heard is probably not true" He joked, and i laughed. He was a good guy, and he was good for her, i could tell. His personality was easier than i thought it would be. I knew now that he and Alias Best Friend were good together, and they were perfect for each other. I talked to him for a few more minutes as Alias Best Friend was still being talked to by people who were not me. He's a great guy and i was really glad to talk to him, i just hoped that Alias Best Friend would've been the one initiating this conversation, and been more in the conversation.
Then Old Best Friend comes up and grabs her attention, and says she wants a group picture. I shouldn't be, but i am miffed that she did that. I cant get any alone time with any of my friends whenever Old Best Friend is around, especially not Alias Best Friend. I realize that i shouldn't be irritated by this, and so i shrug it off. I pose for the picture(s). Then i finally start talking to Alias Best Friend when i realize, i dont have anything to say to her anymore other than the usual polite rhetoric. "how are you doing? you look beautiful. your necklace is so pretty. Ebay for only $27? Wow, you lucked out! Have fun on your honeymoon. Get in touch with me as soon as you can, ok? I want to talk to you. Ok, i'll talk to you later." And thats it. Thats when i knew it was over. This would probably be the last time i ever see her, and it will probably be the last time i talk to her because i know she wont be the one who gets in touch with me, if anything, it'll be me getting in touch with her, but i cant do it anymore. I cant do this tango alone. it's true; it does take two to tango.
I think Old Best Friend could sense my sadness and my festering anger, but didn't say anything anymore than constantly asking me if i had fun. I mean, constantly. Several times during the reception, and several times that night, and several times today on the drive back home. Honestly? I did not have fun. I tried like hell to have fun, but i did not have fun. I learned today that I'd lost someone who i thought was an amazing friend a long time ago, and it was time for me to let go, and it killed me inside to let her go. Let me rephrase that. it's killing me to let her go. I dont want to let her go. She's got an amazing ability to help me see my problems clearly before she even speaks. She's like a ray of sunshine when normally my life is cloudy. But i cant be that for her, and so she drifted away from me. Too far away from me, and i have to deal with the aftermath.
i feel like i got dumped.
Anyway, the whole ride home, i read, basically because i didn't have to think about Alias Best Friend at all, and i didn't have to pretend like i was ok when i read the book. I could escape my reality for a few hours, probably annoying Old Best Friend and Birthday Friend in the process, but nonetheless, i didn't have to fake like i was happy which was becoming increasingly harder and harder to do during the trip back home. Old Best Friend asked me if i was ok once we got back to her house. I continued to say i was ok, but inside i was dying to be alone. She and Birthday Friend made plans to do something with a friend of theirs, and i was so grateful they didn't invite me along because i was ready to be alone. In fact, towards the end, i was becoming so impatient waiting for them to drop me off at my house that Old Best Friend asked if i was trying to get away from her. if i was sick of her already. No, i said, i just didn't want to keep her from her plans with Birthday Friend, thats all. I dont know that she believed me, but she accepted that. I wasn't lying about one thing... i wasn't sick of her already, and that thought comforted me.