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Alisa Valley [userpic]

where do we go from here?

February 25th, 2010 (09:32 pm)
blah

current mood: blah
current song: Where Do We Go From Here from the BTVS soundtrack

i haven't updated much in the past two months. my paid account has expired and i decided not to renew it. i think i'm going to stop updating. i really only update when i'm upset and frustrated, and i've learned recently that by turning away from my friends and family and turning to the internet, i've been hindering my relationships. im working on fixing myself these days and my friendships. i dont think LJ was helping me very much with that. i'll miss it here. I liked it here. anyway, i'm over on tumblr these days, and i like it there. theres not a lot of room for blogging but more for just collecting pictures and music and videos and quotes of things, and it's made me think more positively. I'm making a collection of things i like. pictures that make me feel good. music lyrics that i think are wonderfully written. videos off the internet that make me smile. feel free to check it out if you like. it's here --> http://websaresticky.tumblr.com/

signing off, Alisa.

Alisa Valley [userpic]

I've been waiting for a miracle, and i'm not leaving.

December 23rd, 2009 (06:34 pm)
distressed

current mood: distressed
current song: Miracle - Paramore

things are hard in my household.

i dont want to go into a whole lot of details, mostly because i just dont have the energy, but one thing i want to make clear: my stepfather considers me a burden. He would never say such a thing (because he's such a saint!), but this is how he treats me when he's with my mother. He was chiding my mother the other day for "coddling me."

somehow this turned into mom screaming at my stepfather about how alone i am.

when mom was growing up, she had brothers who helped support her.

my stepfather had like a bajillion siblings who he could count on and learn from.

my cousins all have each other, and they have rich parents who dote on them.

i only have my mother.

My brother is younger and autistic. I've turned away from my real father, who is in Tarzana, CA. My uncles care about my well being, but they aren't exactly people i can turn to when something bad happens. I dont have that kind of relationship where i can ask to borrow money, or go ask for favors. I dont really have them for support. My cousins are all much older than me, and the majority of them have families and children. My brother and I are the youngest of all the cousins and the one who is the next closest to me is about four years older than me and married with a newborn baby. i dont have a serious relationship with a boyfriend... i dont have a friend who i rely on when i'm upset or sad. Old Best Friend tries, but i dont really trust her with my emotions. She can easily stomp on them and has before.

the only support i really have in this world is my mother.

this knowledge isn't exactly new to me, but i've allowed myself to suppress it and pretend like it's not really a true statement of fact, but today, it's all i can think about, and everytime i think it, my eyes well up with tears. I really dont have anyone other than my mom.

how did i let this happen to me, and how can i change it?

Alisa Valley [userpic]

Goals for 2010:

December 22nd, 2009 (08:40 pm)
cold

current mood: cold
current song: Fake Tales of San Francisco - Arctic Monkeys

1. Move out into an apartment.
2. Furnish said apartment.
3. Make several new friends.
4. Go back to college.
5. Finish a manuscript.
6. Attempt to get said manuscript published into a novel.
7. Audition for the Biggest Loser.
8. Regardless of whether or not i get on Biggest Loser or not... lose weight.

Alisa Valley [userpic]

they will stop degrading us, they will not control us, and we will be victorious, (so come on!)

November 29th, 2009 (11:04 pm)
predatory

current mood: predatory
current song: Uprising by Muse

A collection of conversations within the past few hours:

Alisa (to History Friend) through Facebook message:

i know your not talking to me and i'm not entirely sure why, but i still want to wish you a happy birthday. i wasn't sure it was entirely appropriate for me to do so on your wall, which is why i'm messaging you.

i miss you and i hope we can work this out sometime.


History Friend's reply:
I'm not, not talking to you. I just don't know what to say. Thank you for the happy birthday and I want to be your friend still too.


Book Friend and I chatting on Facebook chat a few minutes after i get History Friend's reply:
Book Friend
so History Friend is getting married?

Alisa
hi... what? no.
it's her birthday

Book Friend
yeah but she was at davids bridal picking out a wedding gown
i am so serious

Alisa
what?!
i'm not going to lie, i haven't spoken to her since summer, but i would think it would show up on facebook if she were engaged
she was at david's bridal?

Book Friend
i asked her when they got engaged and she said there was not really a date but they just sort of picked a day to get married
yes she was there with her mom, grandma and Old Best Friend

Alisa
!!!
old best friend didn't tell me!
i think history friend is stealing old best friend from me. or that old best friend is slowly drifting away from me and toward history friend.
this is totally not the issue
wow
i wonder when that happened!
she hasn't changed her relationship status

Book Friend
i dont know.. the wedding is next october i guess

Alisa
huh

Book Friend
i really dont know

Alisa
is it wrong of me to want to call her a bitch for not telling me? i feel i'm wrong for thinking that way.

Book Friend
she said that they had been together for a long time and yatta yatta
i really do not think that is a reason to get married
no i think that she is a bitch for not telling you
but i really never liked her anyway.. lol

Alisa
no, they always knew they were going to get married, but he had commitment issues.

Book Friend
hahahaha

Alisa
he was going to propose to her like a year ago, but his friend scared him out of it

Book Friend
that strikes me funny

Alisa
history friend was PISSED.
she's been like really down about not being engaged lately
or at least over the summer anyway

Book Friend
that is ridiculus

Alisa
god, i cant believe she didn't tell me!!!
ooooh!!!!
can i rant for a sec?

Book Friend
go for it

Alisa
so, i messaged her the following today: "I know your not talking to me, and i'm not exactly sure why but i still wanted to wish you a happy birthday. I didn't know if it was entirely appropriate for me to post this on your wall, so thats why i'm messaging you. I miss you and i hope we can work this out soon."
then she wrote back, "i'm not not talking to you, i just dont have anything to say. Thank you for the birthday wishes, and i want to work this out too."
she doesn't have anything to say!?!?!
she doesn't have ANYTHING to say?
oh, i dont know, maybe, i'm sorry
or, i dont know, maybe i'll hear you out
i dealt out one apology
where is hers?
and now she doesn't even have the decency to tell me she's engaged?

Book Friend
and the fact that she is getting married? didnt have anything to say?

Alisa
Or old best friend for that matter!!
i talked to her like a few hours ago!
bullshit, i tell you.

Book Friend
and it wasn't like it happened that recently.. she was at a bridal fair where she made the appointment to come to davids
im sorry

Alisa
im just... i dont know what to do.

Book Friend
i know it hurts.... believe me i know
i wish i could help you

Alisa
thanks. i appreciate it.
i just feel like the bad guy in this, and i know i'm not.

Book Friend
oh i know exactly how you feel


on top of all this bullshit, i have a NaNoWriMo book to polish off by tomorrow. 2200 words left to go and zero motivation to do it. fucking fantastic.

Alisa Valley [userpic]

I cant get it ri-hi-hi-hiii-hi-hi-hiii-hi-hi-hiiight, since i met you.

November 17th, 2009 (07:32 pm)
accomplished

current mood: accomplished
current song: Map of the Problematique - Muse

NaNoWriMo Time, and guess what, m'dears! I'm kicking ass! For the bulk of the month so far, i've been roughly 4000 words behind point, but NO MORE! Now i'm super awesome, and like a couple hundred words above par, baby! I feel like a rock star!

And i really like this book! I feel like my main gal has depth and issues, and that there is so much more to this book than i had originally intended, but you know what? It's even better! I love it. On the surface it's a book about a girl whose destiny is to save the remaining population of humans from shape shifters, but really, it's about her overcoming her past, and learning to accept who she is, and to love life no matter what the cost. To accept help from friends, and to love even when it's too hard. God, I'm good.

Anyway, i'm riding a wave of self confidence, which is a rare occurrance that only comes out once every 290832 years, so i'm loving it while it lasts.

So, despite my awesome meter being on an all time high, i'd like to also point out how much i HATE november. Sure, NaNoWriMo is the greatest thing ever for me, but Thanksgiving season = hell in the bakery. We need rolls and stuffing and pies in every square inch of bakery space. Honestly. It's insane. It's only just beginning and i'm already super stressed!!

But on the plus side, i like my new boss a lot, and i have a new co-worker who i like just as much, if not more.

Butttt.... the cake decorator is mad at me for reasons i'm not sure about, and i really don't care either, but her cold shoulder keeps smacking me in the face every time she enters the room. that does bother me. If she could just be mad at me without having to shove it in my face like a high school teenager, i'd be perfectly ok.

Alisa Valley [userpic]

Do the bad thing. Take off your wedding ring.

November 9th, 2009 (10:32 pm)
aggravated

current mood: aggravated
current song: The Bad Thing - Arctic Monkeys

Sometimes i log onto Facebook, and i'll see History Friend's status, or i'll see Old Best Friend's status and History Friend has commented something like "Ooh, i hope you feel better!"  or "I cant wait to see you soon!"  or some bullshit like that, and i fantasize about hitting the "inbox" tab, and then writing her a message that goes like this:


Dear History Friend,

FUCK YOU.

Hope all is well,
Alisa Valley.

and then the bubble pops, and i realize that i'm the bigger person for NOT writing that message.  Still, i just want to throttle her because she has no reason to be this mad at me.  She's mad at me because she thinks that i was ignoring her.  I even apologized to her about it just so she'd get over it already.  She hasn't even asked me why i'm mad at her.  No.  I'm mad at her, therefore she's automatically the victim, and i'm in the wrong.  The end.

Bitch.

Sorry, i just.... i hate being fooled by phony self centered people, and i was.  big time.  and now i see her pulling the moves on Old Best Friend, and i feel like i'm losing Old Best Friend to History Friend, and i'm losing all of my friends to either non-friends, or school, or fiancees. 

Anyway, Demon Boss has officially left the building.  The wicked witch is dead!  I trained my new boss, AND a new girl today.  Two.  I trained TWO new people today.  I'm practically a warrior.

I'm not sure what i'm going to name my new boss, because i don't really know her that well, but i will as soon as i get to know her better.

The new girl, i'm going to name Photo Girl, because she's all into photography.  Like, she actually went to school for it.  She's a cutie.  She has tattoos and piercings, but she's sweet and bubbly.  It slays me that every person i meet who is all tattooed and pierced up, is really really nice and sweet.  way conflicting!  Anyway, Photo Girl is nice.  I like her.

Alisa Valley [userpic]

Halloween Stats:

November 2nd, 2009 (01:58 pm)
tired

current mood: tired
current song: YPCSFTLBYWSSAM - Arctic Monkeys

# of Trick-or-Treaters:  not sure.  wasn't counting.  pretty sure it was either the standard 20 or 30.

Best Costume:  Marine - roughly 8-10 years old.

Best Moment: 
Alisa Valley:  "Ahh, we have an army guy *gives candy*, ooh, and a marine! *gives candy*"
Marine:  "FINALLY somebody got it right..."

Runners Up-

A little girl dressed as a cat gets amused by the stuffed toy cat that was rubber banded onto the candy bowl.

A little girl asks me if i'm dressed up as a witch, (i was my standard gothic vampress, but am not sure how to tell that to kids as i have no fangs on), so i say sure.  Her sister says "you're a vampire" and i said yes, thats closer to what i am.  Then i turn back to the little girl and ask her what she is, as she's in a coat, and she starts to unzip it, until a little green shows, and she proudly says she's Tinkerbell.  cuteness!



(PS, the song im listening to is "You Probably Couldn't See For The Lights But You Were Staring Straight At Me" by Arctic Monkeys.  I ran out of character space up there.)

Alisa Valley [userpic]

even though your the only one i see, it's the last catastrophe...

October 26th, 2009 (10:08 pm)
current song: Slow Life - Grizzly Bear ft. Victoria Legrande

i remember thinking a very profound thought, and in the midst of it, i decided to elaborate on it here.

two hours later, i don't have a single clue what it was.

Alisa Valley [userpic]

i am one of those ghosts, traveling endlessly, dont need no roads, in fact they follow me.

October 13th, 2009 (01:25 am)
blah

current mood: blah
current song: Misguided Ghosts by Paramore

  1. i'm afraid i'm going to be alone forever.  don't ask me where that came from.  i wont know how to answer.
  2. mom went all out in the open with me today, and i was in a car and i couldn't get out of it.  I mean, mom talks to me a lot, but never so poignantly.  Sometimes i feel like her therapist, and my job is to listen and say nothing back.
  3. I'm totally in love with Paramore's "Misguided Ghosts" and "All I Wanted"
  4. I told Pandora.com that i didn't want to listen to any Arctic Monkey's songs for i think a year.  Finally i decided to let it go, and realized i might like them.  I find their cd "Whatever People Say I Am, Thats What I'm Not" at the store, and it's delightfully awesome.  I've already listened to several songs of theirs over a 100 times on my iPod.
  5. I'm writing two books at the same time.  Book #1 is 10 chapters and roughly 166 pages.  Book #2, which i've been working on in half of the time i've been working on Book #1, is 5 chapters so far, and roughly 133 pages.
  6. Post Its lie.  I have three post it's TAPED on my computer because they kept falling off.
  7. I CANNOT believe i've gone over a month without updating this.  cannot believe it.
  8. History Friend is still not speaking to me.  I IMed with Fetus Fajitas the other day and he said he didn't know what was going on, but we should make up.  I told him that I tried, but she obviously doesn't want to work on our problems.  i didn't say those exact words.  He said he'd try to get her to talk to me again, but part of me doesn't really want her to.  I want a friend who cares about me, and her lack of communication has only supported my theory that she doesn't.
  9. I feel like all my true friends are out of state.  Merry Friend is in Iowa.  dark_teardrops is in South Dakota.  Old Best Friend is busy these days apparently.  We've tried to get together twice within the past two weeks and it hasn't worked out.  Book Friend and i have been chatting a lot on Facebook, but she lives in Nebraska City.  Not technically out of state, but still. 
  10. im trying to make some substantial friends at work.  So far i only have one potential.  There's this guy who works in produce/deli/food ave, and he's pretty much super ADD.  He told me he cant watch more than 10 minutes of a movie before needing to get up and do something else.  He doesn't listen to much music either.  I laughed and asked him what he did like, and he said video games.  I asked how that could be, and he said it was because he was moving his hands and participating in it.  He amuses me.  He asked me on Sunday how i was, and i said, "im going to get my ass chewed out in about ten minutes, so..." and he responded, "kinky.  who's going to chew your ass?"  and i said "my boss."  he responded, "wow, didn't realize you two were into that."
  11. TMI ALERT: I had my period so bad this one day, and i was pretty sure i was going to die.  I woke up around 8:30am feeling crappy, but i had to drive my brother to his hair appointment that's about 15 minutes out.  I started getting menstrual cramps, which suck and all, but they kept getting worse.  It was like i was bloated, only like 5x more painful.  I was gripping the steering wheel really hard, i was in so much pain.  Then i started worrying that i was going to puke.  I was NOT going to puke mid-drive and in front of my brother.  I managed to get him to the hair appointment, but i immediately called mom to tell her that she was going to have to pick him up, because i was coming right back home.  the truth of the matter was, i wasn't sure if i could make it back home without either 1. exploding, 2. throwing up, 3. getting into a car wreck  or 4. all three.  But i didn't want my brother in the passenger seat when either 3 was going to happen.  So i started driving back home, and the cramps started getting worse and worse.  I was contemplating pulling over into the nearest parking lot and collapsing on the ground and curling up into a ball and cry.  That is how bad these were.  I was also speeding like mad, but concentrating on not getting into a car wreck at the same time, because i was seriously going to throw up, but i didn't want to be in the car while that happened.  I made it about 2 blocks away from my house before i did actually throw up.  that's not the worst of it.  I kept it in my mouth for about 3 minutes, while i got to my house, pulled into my driveway, and parked.  then mom was motioning for me to move to the other side of the driveway, which i didn't appreciate, but did it anyway, and THEN got out and spit it out into the yard.  I was pretty sure i was going to die, but it went away around 1pm.
  12. my boss has not left yet.  she told me she'd be gone about the end of September and it's now mid-October and she's still there, and as far as we in the bakery know, no one has been hired to replace her yet.  She's getting on everyone's last nerves.  We seriously talk about throwing a going away party for her, but not inviting her.
  13. I CANNOT WAIT for the New Moon soundtrack.  I'm just itching to get my hands on it.
  14. So, i finally got my gimp boot.  You know, the one to heal my bum ankle?  Finally got it.  It's like walking around with an anvil on my foot.  People have asked me what happened, and i've been saying both "sprained my ankle months ago," and "a vampire attacked me.  Edward Cullen saved me and now we're going to get married."
  15. The same day i got the gimp boot as i call it, i told my mom that my car was making some hardcore metal-on-concrete noises.  long story short... something was wrong with my brakes and it cost me $400 to fix.  There's another $600 worth of things that need fixing on my car, but those can wait until i actually have some $$.  So, i'm broker than snot right now.
  16. ...and yet i still find reason enough to buy $6 Pumpkin Pie Smoothies at Scooters.  they're soooooooo gooooooood, but soooooooo expensiveeeeeeee.
  17. i love fall, or as i call it "pumpkin season."  i LOVE pumpkin anything.  pumpkin pies, pumpkin seeds, pumpkin muffins, pumpkin loaves, pumpkin spice lattes and pumpkin pie smoothies.  Pumpkin!  it's great.
  18. Listening to Paramore makes me think i can write songs.  Then i remember that i cant write songs to save my life.  i cant even rhyme.
  19. I'm rewatching Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and I'm on season 2 right now, and i remember when i first started watching the show, i'd chat with Buffy Friend on AIM at the time, and i had maybe watched 2 episodes with Drusilla in it before i IMed "When does Drusilla die?"  Buffy Friend, of course, laughed and said nothing.  And now, having watched the entire series... i laugh.
  20. My stepmother has been calling my house asking me to talk to her.  (i know i've never mentioned her, but she's married to my dad.  Has been ever since i can remember.) She wants me to talk to my dad, which i dont want to do because i've cut ties with him since i graduated high school.  It's been really easy since they live in Tarzana, CA.  I feel bad for my stepmother though, because i actually like her a lot.  I never meant to hurt her by not talking to my dad, but it was an unfortunate sacrifice.  I haven't had the guts to actually talk to her though, because i dont really want to talk about it with her.  You see, in Iran, where they're both from, this kind of thing is unheard of.  You honor your parents there.  What i'm doing is downright disrespectful.  She's trying to patch up ties, but the thing is i dont want to, and i dont want to tell her that, or have to explain myself.  I dont want her shaming me either.  The fact of the matter is, my dad is not apart of my life, and i dont want him to be apart of my life anymore.  We dont have anything in common, and he hasn't really been much of a father to me all these years.  I wish him well, and a part of me will always love him because he is my father, but thats about as far as it goes with me.  I feel like such a shit head though, for not telling this to her directly, and chickening out instead.
  21. i'm thinking about seeing a therapist.  i have a lot of low "self" issues.  low self esteem, low self confidence, and definite self worth issues.  Issues i haven't the slightest clue how to fix on my own.  I also have depression that seems to get worse and worse with each bout and i need to conquer it.  I dont really mind the idea of talking to a therapist at all, but i do mind how people perceive me talking to a therapist.  I considered doing it behind my mom's back, because i knew if i told my mom she'd think i was like, suicidal or something and start worrying she started it all.  However, i'm poor, and one time mom said she could get free counseling through her work benefits, so i decided to ask her about that again, and sure enough, not only does she not have that anymore, but she's been treating it like i'm damaged and she caused it.  She still treats me the same normally, but whenever the subject of me talking to a therapist comes up, she goes all, sympathetic and tiptoe-y.  Im pretty sure i'm not going to tell another soul after this entry.  I haven't called one up yet though, because i'm poor due to gimp boot and the effing car, but also because i dont like talking to new strangers, especially to ones on the phone.
  22. i'm in love with Designing Women.  I cant get enough of it.  There are only two seasons out on DVD and i just finished the second one the other day, and i'm completely desperate for the third season.  I mean, i've always liked the show, but i never realized it's utter brilliance until now.  I LOVE Julia Sugarbaker.  She's the epitome of awesome.  I wish i could say if i was one of them i'd be her, but i'm probably more like Mary Jo Shively. 
  23. my room is soooo cold at night.  it snowed here the other day.  SNOWED.  i woke up to go to work at 4am, and just as i was about to open the front door, i said "you've got to be kidding me!"  and i was sure i said it loud enough to wake up my entire house, but no one heard me.
  24. ummm... im thinking thats mostly it.  sorry it's been so long.

(red circle: i think September 21)

Alisa Valley [userpic]

leaving just in time, stay there for awhile...

September 3rd, 2009 (10:45 pm)
chipper

current mood: chipper
current song: The Modern Age by The Strokes

GOOD NEWS!!!

Demon Boss is leaving for another store within the month.  If ever there was an excuse for a happy dance, it's now.  *happy dance!* *happy dance!* *happy dance!* *happy dance!* *happy dance!*

And man, it cant come any sooner for me.  Honestly.  I just cannot wait.   Do you wanna know what she talked to me about today?  It just makes me shake in anger.  Last Sunday (Sunday being our busiest day of the week), she schedules the other baker to decorate cakes because quiet cake decorator requested the day off, and then she had rebellious co-worker (who is a 60-something year old slow messy woman who does the best she can) come in an package for four hours, and me to bake.  Demon Boss *also* requested the day off.  There was no one else who could come in and help.  It was manic.  Well, normally i'd help her out, but they've been really bitchy lately about clocking out right on time.  If you're anywhere from 15-30 minutes late, it'll set off an alarm on their PDA's and they'll come over and tell you to drop what youre doing and get out.  Let's just say that on normal Sundays, i'm normally about an hour late doing all my stuff and helping them.  This is what i was terribly worried about the entire Sunday, and i knew, i just knew i had zero time to help rebellious co-worker out.   I felt awful, but my responsibilities have to be my priority. 

Anyway, i'm right in the middle of breaking out the dough we need for the next day (roughly a 30 min job start to finish) with only 20 minutes left until i'm supposed to leave and i haven't even written down what we needed to be ordered yet... roughly a 15 minute job... when rebellious co-worker comes up to me and says, "i need six cinnamon muffins and six variety muffins, now."   Let me point out to you she's saying this to me like it's an order, and lemme also point out that this is part of her responsibilities, not mine. 

In my head, i'm like, are you kidding me?  You're just going to throw it on my plate, like that?  I said as nicely as possible, "I'm sorry, but i just don't have any time to help you do it."

She gets pissed.  "Well, i dont have time to do it either!" 

Um... that's awesome and all, but it's not my problem.  "I dont know what to tell you.  I simply dont have the time to help you, especially if the LOD's are going around kicking people out right when their scheduled to leave."  She gets huffy and walks away.

So, cut to this morning, and Demon Boss says to me, "Alisa, (rebellious co-worker) really needed your help on Sunday, and she told me you just said 'no.'"  My feathers ruffled.  The woman knows that i help out all the time, virtually every day, and yet the one time i say no, she treats me like i'm not a team player, like i routinely avoid helping others, which is only 180 degrees opposite of the truth.

I tell her the whole story.  I had 20 minutes left, and about 40 minutes worth of my own work to do left, and had to elude whichever LOD would come over and force me to leave.  There was just no way.  Muffins take about 30 minutes to do.  What could i have done?

"Well i told (rebellious co-worker) about that, and how if you start something but get told to leave, she has to finish, but you still have to be a team player and help out."  and then she left.  YOU KNOW that if I did those muffins and didn't write that order, she'd have my hide!  OOOOh, the woman makes me want to scream!  Honestly.  And do you know who's fault it really is?  Hers.  She's the one who permitted both her and quiet cake decorator to have that day off.  She could have easily rejected one of them, but NOOOOO.  Nope.  We were understaffed and i was the bitch baker with only six hours, who wouldn't help the packager.  Honestly, the sooner that woman leaves the better because i'm loosing my patience with her.  She's just unreasonable sometimes, and thats putting it nicely.

*smooths out ruffled feathers*  i'm better now... ish.  Anyway, as for more good news, but boring news, i finished 29 typed pages of my book within the past 4-5 days, which is outstanding for me.  I normally write like 2-3 pages every two days, just in case you needed some kind of proof of how awesome 29 typed pages in 4-5 days is.  I'm pressuring myself to finish one of my two books by the end of November.  I know i can do it.   As soon as that deadline is met, then i'm going to pressure myself to finish the other one by February of next year.  One, if not both, will get published.  I just know it.  I can feel it in my bones. 

Anyway, i leave you with one last *happy dance!!!*

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